The privilege of having a father/son relationship

It’s absolutely boss being a father.  It’s the best things that’s happened to me.  It’s also boss having a boy.  Not that his sex makes much of a difference so far (he’s almost two) and we don’t bring him up in an anti-dolly pro-car mentality, but still, he’s a boy, and he’s ace.

We have a lot of fun, him and me.  He can imitate the sounds made by magpies, blue tits, pigeons, hoopoes and cuckoos.  He made up his first song last week which went as follows: “Gold Goldfinch.  Sparrow sparrow.  Mag Magpie”.  He shouts “Iron Maiden!” when I play them.  He kisses my icons.  He prefers cake to soup.  He loves our daily session of “intense physical contact” which involves him clambering about on me, a bit of tickling and him trying out his strength such as through a headbutt last week; I still have the scar.

Perhaps you can see the scar at the top of my nose

 

He’s ace and he likes being with me.

By the time I was my boy’s ace, my father was too sick to do strenuous stuff with me.  By the end of my second year he was in hospital a lot, and when I was three he died.

This and what I experience with my boy has shown me the political dimension of a father/son relationship, in that I, by not having one, lack privileges that many have:

(1) Less money as a child as no father was there to earn money.  This pushed me into the underclass by being a welfare recipient as a child.

(2) The lack of protection living on a rough street.

(3) The lack of guidance of what it means to be a man.  At the very least, people who don’t like what their fathers are like are react against something.  I had nothing.

(4) Feeling strange, as I was the only one I knew without two parents.  This “otherness” has remained with me all my life.

(5) Not being exposed to a work culture, something that later to have the consequence of me finding it difficult to find work and left me unemployed for over two years after graduating.

(6) Together with the fact that I was born to migrants, I have a less of rootlessness.

(7) People with fathers don’t have the awkwardness that comes with not having one when it gets thematised, the stress on Fathers’ Day; the annoying shows of pity, which annoyed me when I was a boy.

(8) It isn’t an obvious hindrance in life and isn’t visible, therefore there aren’t many associations/groups for us.  You don’t see “fatherless” sections in newspapers.

(9) The skills that one can learn from a father, whatever they may be (mine could do woodwork) don’t get passed on.  Consequently I need to “get a man in” to sort out various DIY things.

(10) The loss of someone so key to ones own being, to ones own sex, can give a sense of passivity in the sense of bigger things installed into the deepest depths of the psyche; issues can seem so big, things like having a career.  For this reason, I had to fight for years to get over this.  I am still not career-focused.

It’s not all bad, like!  I have a strong sense of independence that has stood me in good stead, having the effect that I stubbornly push forward things when I know I am right, for indeed, I am sometimes right.  Conversely, by being exposed as a child towards not having to be self-sufficient (people in my church helped us a lot) the values of solidarity have become ingrained within me.  At the same time, Intersectionality shows that I have privileges as well as lack of privileges in the different sections of my being.  Being white, heterosexual and cisgender brings me many privileges in many ways, for example.

Of course, some may say that having a father wasn’t always a positive.  Abusive fathers exist.  I can get it that some would prefer not to have had one.  At the same time, looking from the outside, I can say that, if you look at the list of privileges that I don’t have, perhaps you can, if you are someone who would prefer to not have had contact with your father, consider which of those privileges you have.

I also appreciate that some of you who were only brought up with your mothers may be very proud of her.  Not all fatherless boys have these problems.  It is very hard to bring up a child alone and I respect those who do so.

Saying that, a look at various statistics shows that fatherless children are more likely to be in poverty, by drug and/or alcohol dependent, have behavioural problems (by altering the prefrontal cortex of the brain), have educational success, get into crime, commit suicide, have problems socialising with others, tolerate abuse done to them and have anger issues.  When one considers that, worldwide, men are much more likely to commit suicide and in the EU, become homeless, one can see that being fatherless is indeed a political issue, especially in the light of an increase in divorce rates, the worldwide death of fathers during war and the separation of fathers from their sons due to the father becoming a refugee.

Who (doesn’t) thematise this?

For a while I was a member of a men’s page on Facebook that largely contained members who live in the US.  Many were concerned about parental alienation due to not have custody of their children.  Unfortunately, many became embittered through this and rage at “feminists” and “political correctness”.  Criticism of conservative gender roles and what capitalism has done to them were however not themes that they were happy about.  Due to the picture many of them had about women, feminists and politics, I have to leave that group.

At the same time, in the UK, I note that attempts by men and women to discuss such issues face mocking and attempts to stop them from being able to talk with each other by womens’ groups.  It’s like vulnerable men are faced with the pincer movement of being told to “man up” by conservative men, and to “stop whining and listen to our problems” by some feminists; both have the same effect of swallowing ones problems.  In the light of the aforementioned disproportional suicide rates for men, one can wonder how such actions help.  Mocking articles by university-educated people demonstrate both the political issue of fatherlessness (due to our on average lower levels of education) and class (that we are more likely to be in poverty) in that we don’t have a voice in the mainstream media, a voice that more privileged people have.

The tide is turning

Thankfully, over the past two years there is a growing international movement comprising of men and women, including feminists, that addresses men’s issues.  In the UK, there is insideMAN, an online magazine  Their excellent book “Pioneering stories about men and boys” addresses many of the issues I’ve mentioned here and more in a way that shows the diversity of opinions that those who work for mens’ issues have, both pro- and anti-feminism.  The growing International Men’s Day (November 19) is also a sign that these issues are being slowly addressed.   A whole range of NGOs have been founded that deal with issues like fatherhood, male victims of child abuse and domestic violence, genital mutilation, prostrate and testicular cancer, mental health, being gay and behavioural issues.  More and more men’s workshops are happening (I myself have been doing them for five years now, with some success!).

The success of Movember (feel free to sponsor me!), now internationally well known is another example of how men and women are working together for the good of those boys and men who face a lack of privileges in various areas of their lives.  In doing so, they are not just focusing on problems that men face, also on the joys of being a man, the joys of having children.

It is on this note that I wish to end: It’s utterly ace to have my boy in my life.  I have never been so happy and fulfilled.  Through the changing male gender roles and increase in the thematisation of men’s themes, his life and that of his future friends and family is being helped.

IMD 2014 Janick

Welcome to this series of articles connected to International Men’s Day (November 19) where men reflect on what it means to be male.  Here we see Janick being interviewed.

Name: Janick

Place of residence: Wrocław, Poland

Age: 40

Are you glad to be a man?  Why (not)?

I hold that what we consider to be a man is the product of social conditioning, and show nothing or little male about the man.  I am not clear where the line starts in terms of why I do or think certain things because I am a man.  In many ways I don’t do the standard male thing, and I like to be challenging in leaving it open which gender role I am fulfilling.  Of course, sex and gender roles (despite what one sees in many application forms) are not the same thing, but still, me as a man is concept less through-through than, say, me as a heavy metal fan or Christian.  Those identities are largely chosen, the former not.

Still, social constructions or not, I am defined, by society at least, by how I was formed as a man.  For years I saw being male as being a bad thing.  I had largely negative connotations with it.  Female friends I had and others had negative things to say about men, partly based on concrete experiences that they had had.  I did what Robert Bly spoke of (in his book “Iron John“) and identified with the hurt woman, a somewhat sado-masochistic decision of mine.  This was not a healthy thing to do.  Thankfully I stopped doing this and started to look upon myself more positively.

Men are at the extremes of success, on the one hand they are more likely to be directors, managers and politicians, on the other hand more likely to be homeless, have severe mental illnesses and be in prison. Why do men have such big extremes?

The German feminist Birgit Rommelspacher wrote of how what she calls “male values’, things I understand to mean the values that men are by and large pressured to have (as opposed to being anything they are born with), become the dominant values.  These values are hard-work, discipline, efficiency, being tough, not showing weaknesses and being self-sufficient.  These values bring some good things, but are a massive burden for men.  Some, in this Social Darwinist scheme rise to the top, some sink to the bottom.

To add to this, the gaslighting effect happens to boys.  While both boys and girls face the child abuse that is “crying it out” (being left to cry in the belief that children are being manipulative when they cry), boys face talk of “manning up” or “boys don’t cry”.  This gender role is done by society, by men and women (witness the myth of “men flu”).  Such a manner of raising children discourages them from talking about and admitting to themselves emotions like being sad or worried.  As a consequence, they can lack the ability to deal with them.  This can turn to self-hatred or “playing out” emotions.

Another issue here is that of solidarity.  A female sex seen to be weak results in them receiving help.  I have only anecdotal evidence for this, things like when photos in newspapers of parents being overwhelmed with having children showing mothers or the small amount of refuge houses for men.  It is said that women are more social, this comes from how they are raised.  It stands to reason that men are more likely to be kicked out on the street or not get help.

All over the world, men are more likely than women to commit suicide.  Why is this?  What do you think can be done to address this?

To add to the above, values that have the consequence that we compete, we are less likely to build bonds of solidarity with people, people who we can fall back upon.  These people we fall back upon tend to women, and for those who are heterosexual this means our wives/partners/girlfriends.  This is not a situation that is sustainable in the long-run.  Men can feel totally overwhelmed and alone.

When did you have your last check-up for prostrate and testicular cancer?  Why don’t men tend to look after their health?

I had a check for testicular cancer in about 2000, not a planned one, rather, I went there with a pain in the groin (which turned out to be a muscle sprain) and the doctor offered to check.  I’ve never had a prostrate cancer test.  I know that this is a big issue for men, but I’ve not looked into having a test.

What male role models do you have?

Difficult to say, really.  I was brought up without a father, therefore looking to men as role models doesn’t come naturally to me.  I guess Robert Bly is one, a men’s activist.  Deffo James Hetfield.  He’s different to me, like, in that he was fairly macho, but then various problems he faced (as see in the film “Some kind of monster”) which saw him starting therapy made him face up to himself and the album “St. Anger” sees his lyrics being very honest about himself and his pain.  Not that he’s a softy now though.  Otherwise, there are men I like, maybe not in their totalities (with the exception of the first one) but for specific things, people like Kenny Dalglish, Steve Harris, Freddie Mercury, and Pope Ffransis (Saint Ffransis as well).

How is it possible to address the problems that men and women face without competition between them?

Let’s look at two (simplified for the ease of understanding) groups:

On the one side one has Men’s Rights Activists (MRA’s), let’s say, a group I’m in in Facebook where nearly everyone appears to be from the US, or some I followed on Twitter for some time, including some women.  With many of them activism for men’s rights (I prefer the word issues myself, but they are largely focussed on parental alienation) is tied up with being, as they say in the US, rednecks; reactionary privilege-based anger.  I use the word privilege, a current buzz-word, as this seems to be a key issue, in that they don’t like people such as Muslims, People of Colour and LGBTQ.

Well, in the US things seem pretty polarised, but there are somewhat similar traits among those who work for men’s issues in Europe as well (say, a march for men by Christians here in Wrocław in October which wanted to “free Wrocław from the ideology of gender”.)  Women are also in this Facebook group, the kind I’ve seen on Twitter being anti-feminist.  They are always white women.

Thing is, I share some of MRA concerns, like parental alienation.  I don’t share their Feindbild of feminists.

On the other side we have some feminists, let’s call them dogmatic feminists.  They make out all men’s issues activists to all be reactionary and try to silence discussions about problems men face (ironically doing the same “shut up about your feelings” behaviour that boys are brought up with).  Or they blame all these problems on men (for example, “female-on-male domestic violence happens because of the society where men are dominant and therefore it is up to men to change that society”) instead of raising awareness that women can be perpetrators as well (in the UK, at least).  They believe that all men’s problems can be solved by feminism alone.

My solution won’t be liked.  It’s right to look at privilege.  However, more than the usual male one.  One is of looking at an issue which is left out, that of class privilege.  Here’s a personal example: I have an underclass background (being brought up via welfare with no paid-worker in the household) and I worked as a volunteer in a project that deals with history.  Afterwards I was unemployed for five months, worked again with history in a risky job for five months and was then unemployed for five months again.  A woman, born to rich parents did similar work to me as a volunteer.  After finishing she started work in a museum that deals with history as a full-time employee.  Now, she as a woman is less likely than a man to become the director of that museum.  Just not this man.  Her class privilege brought her more security and money than me.  I’m not blaming her, or myself, just saying that class privilege happens.  Just like racism makes it more likely that both of us as white people will be employed as pedagogues.

The admitting that class privilege exists offers enlightenment as to why certain people face certain problems, instead of simply blaming that nasty PC brigade/feminists/gay lobbyists/men in general.  My perception is that men who agitate for men’s issues (such as suicide, homelessness, parental alienation) tend to be conservative or liberal (by which I mean, “I’m neither left or right-wing”); therefore they won’t like this solution.  Feminists are more likely to be left-wing, I think, but still, videos raising the important topics of the abuse that women face are not shy of anti-immigrant/underclass arguments.  Intersectionalism needs a class dimension.

There are other privileges that tend to be left out of discussions.  Here’s another personal one: I was brought up without a father.  This had the result of making me more open to being a victim of violence (“my daddy’s deader than yours….”) and also less sure about myself as a man.  A middle-class or even working-class woman has advantages over me in some contexts, such as with income.  If they are feminist, they are more likely than myself to have support for developing their sense of their sex.  More likely to have solidarity.  At the same time, if they are lesbian, as I am heterosexual I am more likely to have legislation that recognises me (especially here in Poland).  As someone without a disability, public transport is not a problem for me (well, as a man carrying a 11-month old boy I am less likely than a woman with the same boy to be offered a seat, but I don’t need assistance to get a pram off a bus).  Other issues are that of university education and being cisgender.

This is not to relativise privileges (generally, as a white heterosexual I’m getting by alright in many areas), just that blanket statements that all men have privileges in all cases are not true.  This surely opens the door for MRA’s to engage with the issue of privilege.  I very much doubt that, however.  Being critical of ones own privileges but aware of the privileges of others may open the door for dogmatic feminists.

I find however that most people who are open to the issue of problems that both men and women face are neither group, people who are not pro-male or pro-female.  I know plenty women who, unlike myself, reject feminism per se for being, well, dogmatic.  In my now four years of doing workshops for young men about being men, I’ve met plenty men who are very much aware of problems women face, but being directionless in how to be a good man, a man who isn’t a softy.  Both groups avoid the Puritan confessions that intersectionalism can arouse, or the angry-at-the-modern-world view of some MRA’s.

What’s your message for men for this year’s International Men’s Day?

It’s a bit late now, eh.  I guess I’d say, remember next year’s (it’s November 19th each year) and read the increasing number of articles which deal with the subject.

Janick has now finished his participation in Movember, a campaign to raise money for combatting prostrate and testicular cancer as well as, in Poland, male depression.  To support him go to this site.

IMD2014 Roy S.

Welcome to this series of articles connected to International Men’s Day (November 19) where men reflect on what it means to be male.  Here we see Roy S. being interviewed.

Name: Roy S.

Place of residence: Berlin,

Germany Age: 25

Are you glad to be a man? Why (not)?

I’m not really sure. I think about male privilege quite a lot and it makes me very uncomfortable. Part of that might be a reaction to realising that some things I have achieved have happened not because I worked hard for them, but because of the label I was given at birth.

In other ways though, I appreciate it.

Men are at the extremes of success, on the one hand they are more likely to be directors, managers and politicians, on the other hand more likely to be homeless, have severe mental illnesses and be in prison. Why do men have such big extremes?

Men have always been expected to take part in the public/political sphere (as opposed to the private/domestic). In politics life is more often than not about winning or losing, and in such a binary situation it is unsurprising that there is so little space for a middle ground. If men don’t fit that power dynamic, then they will get angry that they do not have that which they (wrongly) believe they are entitled to, and that anger creates problems for everyone.

All over the world, men are more likely than women to commit suicide. Why is this? What do you think can be done to address this?

A lot of the answer to this question is contained in the answer to the last one. Men feel entitled to certain things based on their gender, and when that is threatened they get angry and frustrated, both with others and themselves.

If we could remove the pressure on men to achieve in this way, we might have a better chance of curtailing that resentment before it can foment into anger.

When did you have your last check-up for prostrate and testicular cancer? Why don’t men tend to look after their health?

I went to an all boy’s school, so we were taught from a young age that “when in doubt, check it out.” We learned how to feel our testes for lumps, and I have done this pretty much ever since from the age of 13, about once a month. I had a scare around 16 and went to the doctor, but that was probably more paranoia than anything else.

As for prostate cancer, I’m not yet in an at-risk group so it is unlikely I will have one for a little while yet. Being British, I still have the very working class notion of not wanting to “bother” the doctor, and preferring not to grumble about any aches or pains I might have. Part of that might stem from the man’s need to be strong and the main breadwinner, or even a martyr complex – I will sacrifice myself by working until I can work no more.

What male role models do you have?

I have various role models. Arnold Schwarzenegger is one, partly because he represents a post-modern hyperreal masculine ideal that is unachievable but good fun to watch in action! Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris are similar such models.

More than him though, I admire figures in their early fifties, such as Inspector Morse or Horace Rumpole. They are middle aged, well educated (white, middle class) men who are flawed and vulnerable while containing in them a spark of genius.

How is it possible to address the problems that men and women face without competition between them?

Problems of men and women: It isn’t. In the words of Grayson Perry (whose own masculinity is interesting to explore), men must sit down for their rights. While men may suffer more from depression and suicide, women can’t live their lives without wondering whether the man opposite them on the train will kill her or not. Men’s problems pale in comparison. Deal with male anger first, as then everyone benefits.

What’s your message for men for this year’s International Men’s Day?

Message for Men: Check your privilege and learn to be still.

Janick’s particpation in Movember, an initiative to raise money towards combatting prostrate and testicular cancer as well as, in Poland, male depression, ends today.  To sponsor him, please go to this link.

IMD2014 anonymous II

Welcome to this series of articles connected to International Men’s Day (November 19) where men reflect on what it means to be male.  Here we see another anoymous being interviewed.

Are you glad to be a man?

Yes.

Men are at the extremes of success, on the one hand they are more likely to be directors, managers and politicians, on the other hand more likely to be homeless, have severe mental illnesses and be in prison. Why do men have such big extremes?

I think there are always big expectations. Are you successful or not, causes this extremes in my opinion.

All over the world, men are more likely than women to commit suicide (data). Why is this? What do you think can be done to address this?

Again the expectations in my opinion.

When did you have your last check-up for prostrate and testicular cancer? Why don’t men tend to look after their health?

Last check up at school.

What male role models do you have?

Sports (football and table tennis) and men who run social organisations.

How is it possible to address the problems that men and women face without competition between them?

Communicate  and negotiate with each other is the key to solve problems without competition.

What’s your message for men for this year’s International Men’s Day?

Forget about role models.

Janick’s particpation in Movember, an initiative to raise money towards combatting prostrate and testicular cancer as well as, in Poland, male depression, ends today.  To sponsor him, please go to this link.

IMD2014 anonymous

Welcome to this series of articles connected to International Men’s Day (November 19) where men reflect on what it means to be male.  Here we see anoymous being interviewed.

 I think we need to look at the gender issue as an equality issue, not a man vs woman issue. It should be about ensuring that every person has the same opportunities and responsibilities as everybody else and that their rights are being respected, gender shouldn’t be a factor.

Place of residence: Frankfurt, Germany
Age: 26

Are you glad to be a man?  If so, why (not)?
I wish I could say I wasn’t glad to be a man, because it shouldn’t matter. But unfortunately we live in a world where it is far easier to be one. So while I’m not glad to be a man in itself, I know it has probably made my life easier.

All over the world, men are more likely than women to commit suicide. Why is this? What do you think can be done to address this?

It’s probably a cliche, but I think it is true that men are less likely to talk about or seek help if they are having problems. I think men are under pressure to be or at least to seem confident and independent and self-reliant, so are less likely to admit that things aren’t going well. As this is such a culturally ingrained issue, I think it is something that will take time to change and it is something that will have to happen organically. We can try to change people’s attitudes towards mental health issues and encourage men to be more open and less reluctant to seek help, and I think this will help, but it will still require time for society’s general attitudes to change.

When did you have your last check-up for prostrate and testicular cancer? Why don’t men tend to look after their health?
I’ve never had a specific check-up for prostate or testicular cancer. Similarly to the last question, I think men are less likely to go to the doctor anyway, especially for such a check-up like that where they’re not actually ‘sick’.

How is it possible to address the problems that men and women face without competition between them?
I think we need to look at the gender issue as an equality issue, not a man vs woman issue. It should be about ensuring that every person has the same opportunities and responsibilities as everybody else and that their rights are being respected, gender shouldn’t be a factor.

Janick’s particpation in Movember, an initiative to raise money towards combatting prostrate and testicular cancer as well as, in Poland, male depression, ends today.  To sponsor him, please go to this link.

IMD2014 Mick Olaf Ruddo

Welcome to this series of articles connected to International Men’s Day (November 19) where men reflect on what it means to be male.  Here we see Mick Olaf Ruddo being interviewed.

Relax. The only way not to end up stressed, depressed, dead, in prison etc etc. Relax and enjoy what you have, what is around you. I have little money but in my own head I’m the richest man in the universe!

Name: Mick Olaf Ruddo

Place of residence: Merseyside

Age: 44

Are you glad to be a man?

I could say no because I never had a choice, but I am happy to be a man just as I would be happy to be a woman were I born female. I’m happy to be a human, I’m happy to be alive. On a bit more light-hearted note, I can never get pregnant, nor have a period, nor do I have to shave my legs nor cover myself in makeup (although I could do the last two, were I that way inclined).

Men are at the extremes of success, on the one hand they are more likely to be directors, managers and politicians, on the other hand more likely to be homeless, have severe mental illnesses and be in prison. Why do men have such big extremes?

Perhaps it is a historic thing, going back maybe thousands of years, the hunter thing. In more recent times, I also wonder whether, as men are at the top, they stick together and keep it that way (the way the rich make sure they get richer). There is the obvious thing, of course. Men can’t have babies. Rightly or wrongly, perhaps there is an element of consistency expected/desired from employers? I don’t know, thinking aloud.

There are stereotypes which, although they are obviously much weaker even in my lifetime (from the 70’s to the present day), and if there was such a thing as a ‘boys’ club’, it is being dissolved. Maybe not quickly enough, but it’s only (I say ‘only’) about 100 years since the suffragette movement, isn’t it? I work for one of the biggest companies in the world, and the overall boss of the company is a woman.

Why more men might be politicians, are men better liars? More suited to lying? Or is it (more likely) the same as with other jobs, something which is breaking down gradually.

I think men (in general) see themselves as the hunter, and if they aren’t able to ‘provide’, this may be what leads to depression etc. Again, just thinking out loud, I have no evidence. More men being homeless – pride? Male pride? Too proud to ask for help? Is more demanded of men? I don’t know.
Generalising is always a bad thing – I know a lot of women who don’t seem very wise, and some very clever men, but I generally think women are wiser and more mature. Only tonight in the kitchen I was running around raising my leg and breaking wind whilst singing. Okay, maybe that’s just me. It got a few laughs, though.

Being in prison, again, I don’t know but a lot of men seem incapable of taking “orders” (for want of a better word) from women. I wonder whether that is a factor in domestic violence (although it is obviously much more involved than that).

I’m embarrassed by my own reactions sometimes. If a bloke drives past me like an idiot, I might call him an idiot, a moron, a prick. If it’s a woman, I often add on the word ‘woman’ to the word ‘stupid’. I never say ‘stupid man’. That seems sexist to me, although it is often in the heat of the moment. I always espouse respect for women, without women none of us would be here, the female figures in our lives are immense, strong, loving, wonderful people. But when I say “what are you doing, woman?” when I’m in the car and a female driver does something daft, is that true feelings coming out? Or just a lack of on-the-spot brain-processing power? Yet again, I don’t know for sure, although I will say I don’t think (I hope not, at least) it is sexism bubbling under.

So many of the worst criminals tend to be men. Paedophiles are almost always men, aren’t they? Again, I have no figures to hand. The six vermin in India who raped and murdered that poor 23yr old woman on her way home from the cinema. That makes me ashamed to be male, although I know I would never be involved in such a despicable act. All of these acts are abuses of power. I say that purely in the sense that men are, usually, physically stronger, one on one. But paedophiles with children, much more powerful. Six men with that one woman? Far more (physically) powerful. Utter cowards, abusing power.

I’m rambling a bit now, but maybe real strength comes in restraint and respect.

Or maybe restraint should never even come in to the equation, maybe it should never be needed, respect should be enough. Anyway, perhaps that has to do with why there are more men in prison, abuses of power and greater expectations (possibly/probably stemming from males in the first place as opposed to any perhaps imagined pressure from females).

I have to qualify this again and again by saying I don’t know, these aren’t questions I contemplate every day.

All over the world, men are more likely than women to commit suicide (data). Why is this? What do you think can be done to address this?

I think that is probably answered in the previous question. Men need to know, if they don’t already know, that it is not weak to ask for help. Perhaps some men need to have this message reinforced.

When did you have your last check-up for prostrate and testicular cancer? Why don’t men tend to look after their health?

Maybe 10 years ago. I think (once again with no basis in proof) that men are the ostriches of the human race, heads buried in the sand, fingers planted in the ears, singing “la la la la laaaaaa not listening” in the hope that anything unpleasant that shows up will keep riding straight back out of town again.

What male role models do you have?

Some cliched, but what the hell. As it stresses male role models, Mandela, Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr are the obvious three. Nick Harper, Kenny Dalglish, my brother and father, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Ronnie O’Sullivan, me(!), Dermot Morgan, Adrian Edmondson, Valentino Rossi, Steven Gerrard, there are probably hundreds if I had the time to keep thinking. Oh, Nigel Blackwell, must not forget him! Roger Waters, David Gilmour, Justin Sullivan. And, sadly, once I would have said Roy Harper. Everything about Roy I used as a role model until his arrest in November 2013. I believe he is innocent, but pending any court case, if he is ever found guilty, it will be hard to mention his name in such company, yet there are so many things he believes in which are undeniably right.

How is it possible to address the problems that men and women face without competition between them?

Now that I don’t know. My wife earns more than me, that makes me happy, I don’t want to compete with her, in that aspect of our lives, nor for the affection of our daughters. Men and women very often make formidable teams. I’m not a competitive man, so I may not be the best person to answer this question.

What’s your message for men for this year’s International Men’s Day?

Relax. The only way not to end up stressed, depressed, dead, in prison etc etc. Relax and enjoy what you have, what is around you. I have little money but in my own head I’m the richest man in the universe!

If you wish to sponsor Janick who is taking part with Movember, an initiative to raise money towards combatting prostrate and testicular cancer as well as, in Poland, male depression, please go to this link. Males are invited to be be interview partners by going looking at the questions here and answering them as a comment underneath.  The answers will later be published as an article.

IMD2014 Marian Hîrcă

Welcome to this series of articles connected to International Men’s Day (November 19) where men reflect on what it means to be male.  Here we see Marian Hîrcă being interviewed.

Men don’t go to doctors after the first cough, they would say “ah, it’s just a cough, everything will be okay.” So they seem to care less and focus on other things like success, and they tend to forget that the real success is actually being healthy.

Name: Marian Hîrcă
Place of residence: Beiuș, Romania
Age: 21

Are you glad to be a man? Why (not)?

Yes.

Men are at the extremes of success, on the one hand they are more likely to be directors, managers and politicians, on the other hand more likely to be homeless, have severe mental illnesses and be in prison. Why do men have such big extremes?

I believe it all depends on the environment the men grows in. You could say it’s an extreme of extremes. For instance, if a boy would grow up in a poor family, he would aspire to become someone, like a director, so that hes family won’t have to go through poorness. On the other side, if a boy would grow up in a wealthy family, he would think that he has everything he needs and not study for anything, and will eventually become homeless. But these situations vary, I don’t think there’s a specific pattern.

All over the world, men are more likely than women to commit suicide. Why is this? What do you think can be done to address this?

Well for example, in a family, the men is the main provider of the family, as seen by society. It generally falls on the shoulder of the men to provide for their family. This usually builds up pressure, and if something goes wrong, the depression kicks in and eventually suicide. Everything in this world is build around men, more tasks, more responsibilities, more opportunities to fail, more suicides.

When did you have your last check-up for prostrate and testicular cancer? Why don’t men tend to look after their health?

I can’t remember my last prostate or testicular cancer exam. I believe I’ve never had one. Men tend to look less after their health cause of society. Men don’t go to doctors after the first cough, they would say “ah, it’s just a cough, everything will be okay.” So they seem to care less and focus on other things like success, and they tend to forget that the real success is actually being healthy.

What male role models do you have?

The closest to a role model would probably be my best friend. He thought me what kindness truly means, he thought me to value friendship, brotherhood, honor and to believe in something with all my heart and soul. My life has drastically changed since I met him and I dare say I would not be here today if it wasn’t for him.

How is it possible to address the problems that men and women face without competition between them?

I don’t think competition is bad as long as you know how to compete and what to compete for. The real challenge is how to win and more importantly how to lose.

What’s your message for men for this year’s International Men’s Day?

Live every day like it’s International Men’s Day.

IMD 2014 Sean McDermott

Welcome to this series of articles connected to International Men’s Day (November 19) where men reflect on what it means to be male.  Here we see Sean McDermott being interviewed.

I have also seen a lot of men who have a double whammy of being convinced that they should be better at dealing with emotions and at the same time being frustrated with themselves for not being able to do it!

Name: SEAN MCDERMOTT

Place of residence: MILTON KEYNES, UK

Age: 48

Are you glad to be a man? Why (not)?

I don’t think like that really, as I can see both sides. However, I know that dealing with sexism, periods, menopause etc. would be a definite downside to being a woman, although the last two are connected with childbirth, which I think must be an incredible experience (I told you I can see both sides)

Men are at the extremes of success, on the one hand they are more likely to be directors, managers and politicians, on the other hand more likely to be homeless, have severe mental illnesses and be in prison. Why do men have such big extremes?

I guess that men often see things in black and white rather than myriad shades of grey (and other colours) so that leads to much more specific definitions of success and means that many of the subtle positives or less tangible things in life are missed. I think men can also be very goal oriented and therefore are quicker to call label things and themselves as failures (or successes).

All over the world, men are more likely than women to commit suicide (data). Why is this? What do you think can be done to address this?

I think this is connected with the above question and my answer to it. I also strongly believe that men are still taught that they should be strong and not give in to emotions so when they have strong emotions they don’t know how to deal with them and this can result in extreme actions like violence or suicide. I have also seen a lot of men who have a double whammy of being convinced that they should be better at dealing with emotions and at the same time being frustrated with themselves for not being able to do it!

When did you have your last check-up for prostrate and testicular cancer? Why don’t men tend to look after their health?

I have never had a medical check up for this although I have done self-examination for testicular problems. Generally men feel that something is not a problem until it gets serious, or shouldn’t be, so they leave it longer

What male role models do you have?

Generally it is characteristics of people rather than the total person but include some of my friends, Stephen Fry, John Lennon, Tony Benn, Nelson Mandela, Richard and David Attenborough, David Beckham and lots more!

How is it possible to address the problems that men and women face without competition between them?
By recognising the benefits that both will gain when the competition is removed

What’s your message for men for this year’s International Men’s Day?
Live, love, laugh and enjoy life!

If you wish to sponsor Janick who is taking part with Movember, an initiative to raise money towards combatting prostrate and testicular cancer as well as, in Poland, male depression, please go to this link. Males are invited to be be interview partners by going looking at the questions here and answering them as a comment underneath.  The answers will later be published as an article.

Why I’m a dad who gives a fuck

Tomorrow (November 19th) is International Men’s Day.  One of the focuses of IMD is that of celebrating the work some men do as fathers.  I’m not wanting people to get on their knees or anything, but a bit of affirmation isn’t a bad thing, eh?  I know fathers who are having a lot of responsibility, not only being totally hands-on with their children, but also working long hours.

Now, Dads who give a fuck is a page on Facebook I follow.  I like the title and content of the page, it sums up how I see fatherhood.  Here’s why:

1. The words “giving a fuck” are usually used when one says “I don’t give a fuck”, which means, “I really don’t care”.  “Dads who give a fuck” , as I understand it, therefore means dads who more than care, they fucking care.

2. Ah, the swear word won’t be liked by everyone.  I like the phrase though, as it shows men who are passionate about their caring for their children.  Not in a dopy (as beloved in some TV programmes) way, but in an intensive way.  Being caring isn’t just about changing nappies, it’s about fighting for ones child, getting angry about things that can harm it, things like violence (be that physical or verbal), genital mutilation, blind obedience to older people, having their spirit crushed in schools, conservative gender roles, being used as wish-fulfillment objects by their parents and being humiliated by parents in online media.  These are things to not just get angry about, but fucking angry about.  This isn’t dopy.

3. Because my son is fucking ace.

4. Because my son having a male role model will benefit his mental health; the lack of male role models is one reason for the reason why men are more likely than women to commit suicide.  Worldwide.

5. Because the alternative for my wife is not an option.  I don’t want my wife to be stuck at home the rest of her life.  She should have the chance to grow not just as a mother.

6. Because I want to be part of the growing change in father involvement in the life of their children, something that is getting normalised.

7. Because I want to make sure that he can be free to express himself, and not, as society may tell him, “shut up” because he’s male.  Such shutting up leadIs to depression and psychosomatical reactions.

8. Because I want to be there for him should he have any problems for as long as I live.

9. Because, by being with him, I can bring across non-violent communication, something to go against society’s conditioning of males to be violent.

10. Because it’s good for me.  Being with him is not always easy, but generally it makes me more joyful and calmer.

I make loads of mistakes, like.  The new generation of dads who give a fuck are largely having to work it out for themselves (to make a massive generalisation) due to absent/old-fashioned/dead fathers.  Therefore, to all the dads who give a fuck, I wish you a happy International Men’s Day!  Treat yourself/I hope you get treated!

If you wish to sponsor Janick who is taking part with Movember, an initiative to raise money towards combatting prostrate and testicular cancer as well as, in Poland, male depression, please go to this link.

IMD2014 Mischa Badasyan

Welcome to this series of articles connected to International Men’s Day (November 19) where men reflect on what it means to be male.  Here we see Mischa Badasyan being interviewed.

 

I think it (that men are more likely to commit suicide) is because of the society rules that we made long time ago: man supposed to be on the top, if he can not he will loose everything and be with nothing. There is nothing inbetween.

Name: Mischa Badasyan
Place of residence: Berlin
Age: 26

Are you glad to be a man? Why (not)?

I am glad to be a man in the most privillged group: white man in the wealth country. I know that I am lucky enough in this situation. So I have to appreicate it.

Men are at the extremes of success, on the one hand they are more likely to be directors, managers and politicians, on the other hand more likely to be homeless, have severe mental illnesses and be in prison. Why do men have such big extremes?

I am not sure if it requires to all men but yeah men could be a boss but at the same time men commite more often suicide then women. I think it is because of the society rules that we made long time ago: man supposed to be on the top, if he can not he will loose everything and be with nothing. There is nothing inbetween. We still keep these rules.

All over the world, men are more likely than women to commit suicide (data). Why is this? What do you think can be done to address this?

Yeah, I just mentioned that too. I think it is because of the great expections of the society. Like my mum, she wanna me being a boss working in the office, with a big car and a huge house. I am sure it will never happen and I am happy that I live far away from my family now. There are in Russia and I live in Berlin, they even dont know about my homosexuality.

When did you have your last check-up for prostrate and testicular cancer? Why don’t men tend to look after their health?

I never did it in my life, I know someone who had this problem and i am just scared of it somehow. But I do care about STIs

What male role models do you have?

Musicians like John Lenon, activits like Gandhi, artists like Felix Gonzalez-Torres, Bas Jan Ader.

How is it possible to address the problems that men and women face without competition between them?

It is a bit tricky, maybe in the art you can find a way to avoid a gender ineuqality, by projects that requires more team working and not competetion between them

What’s your message for men for this year’s International Men’s Day?

Just think about why you are a man and which benefits you have from it. Appreciate it and go towards dialogue between gender, but better to destroy all genders at all, which is going to happen soon in the future, I think

If you wish to sponsor Janick who is taking part with Movember, an initiative to raise money towards combatting prostrate and testicular cancer as well as, in Poland, male depression, please go to this link. Males are invited to be be interview partners by going looking at the questions here and answering them as a comment underneath.  The answers will later be published as an article.